The Poker Game/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man with the spring in his step since his pocketwatch exploded in his pants, your hero, my uncle, red green! Whoooo! Thanks, appreciate it. (howling) ooh, red, oooh! All right. Thank you very much. Gonna get the show going 'cause I'm already late for the monthly poker game. A bunch of overweight guys, drinkin' beer, smokin' cigars. How is that fun? Well, you won't be there. You're all a bunch of shirkers. You're shirking your responsibility by playing poker. Shirker, shirker, shirker, shirker! Sha-a-a-a-ameless shirker! Shirking your responsibilities, go play at cards, indulge in stupid stories full of exaggeration and innuendo. You're an awful good guesser. If that's what being an adult is about, I hope I never grow up. That could be arranged. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. (laughing) (laughing) the poker game break up early? You still have your shirt. I can't believe it, harold. I was winning all night. The last hand, I put the whole works on the line. I'm sensing it didn't go well. It was my favourite game: "odd man out". Threes, fives, sevens, and nines are wild, plus one-eyed jacks and the man with the axe. So I'm sitting there with 11 queens. I'm not gonna let on. Just kinda play it cool. So stinky bets, I raise, buster raises, moose folds. So does the chair he's sittin' on. Then stinky raises again, I raise again, buster calls. I lay down my 11 queens. Buster had a full house -- five eights and six nines. And, uh... I'm reaching for the pot... Stinky lays down 12 aces! Cleaned me right out! You know, uncle red, if you played with fewer wild cards, you'd have less chance of someone getting 12 aces. There were 12 natural aces. (audience laughing) uncle red, there's only four natural aces in a deck, aren't there? Well, around that. I like to take an extra one, just in case, you know. Some of the other guys, maybe... But there's never more than five or six extra aces. If stinky had 12 and there's only 4, then he brought 8. Somebody's cheating! (red): Later on we'll be doing a little fruit-picking with two guys who are perfect for the job, bill and harold. That's a pretty classy-looking ladder there, but... The operator is at about the same level as usual. This is one of the old tradtions-- there's no bottom in that. One of the tradtions around the lodge is to forget about the mechanized-- oh. Forget about the mechanized-- ha, ha, ha. The mechanical equipment and so on. 'cause it's just more fun picking fruit by hand. It will take a long time to fill that basket. It's revenge of the nerds. There we go. (laughing) by golly, eh. And they say fruit's not good for ya. Oh my gosh, it's watermelon man. ♪ oh, the moon is a strange shade of yellow ♪ ♪ with stripes of magenta and blue ♪ ♪ the clouds are purple and orange ♪ ♪ and the mist smells like an old shoe ♪ ♪ oh, I have a horrible headache ♪ ♪ and I pass out every minute or two ♪ ♪ it's ok to have a bonfire ♪ ♪ but not in a fibreglass canoe ♪ this is for the big one -- a bench-stop sign and a coupon for a free driving lesson! Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get dougie franklin to say this word... (quietly): "pet". "pet". Ohhhh... And go. All right -- dougie? Yeah! A dog. Friend. No, it's more than a friend. Family member. That may very well be. Ok, how about this -- cat. Bulldozer! (audience laughing) no, no, no, let's go another way. When we were young, we wouldn't make out with girls. We wouldn't neck with girls. We would... ... Cry. No, no, no, no. The word we used instead of "make out" was... ... Lie. All right, all right. You get senior citizens, you know? And they get lonely -- many doctors will recommend they get a... ... Lobotomy. We're almost out of time, I'm happy to report. All right, budgies and parakeets. These are common household... ... Pe-- pests. Ohhh! Ok, you take a pest, you take the "sss" out. And what you have is a... You got a bladder problem. (audience laughing) you know, with monster-truck drivers, that's one of our pet peeves. Ohhh! What? What? Congratulations, mr. Franklin! Last week, for our anniversary, I gave my wife, bernice, the entire james bond film library on videocassette. Should have seen her face. Shaken, not stirred. Later on that evening, bernice was sleeping upstairs, snoring like a banshee, and I was about halfway through my third... Uh, big film and I noticed agent 007 strapped on one of them rocket jet-packs and just took off -- whoosh! -- Like that. Just like the time moose thompson fell off the roof... Except backwards, you know? When I saw that jet-pack, I knew what I had to build for "handyman corner". Forget about traffic jams, parking spaces, and stop signs. Get yourself a rocket jet-pack. Here's all you need. Get a fuel tank -- get some rocket fuel in there. Get a fuel control valve. You'll need a fuel igniter and some kind of a rocket nozzle, some sort of metal frame to hold 'er all together, and, of course, a crash helmet. You can get this from former soviet union rocket scientists. They'll smuggle it out for a few thousand dollars. Or you could just look in your garage. Personally, I'm leanin' towards the garage. Actually, the garage is leanin' towards me. (grunting) ahhh... There we go, or, as the french would say, "viola". All right, first thing you look at is your fuel tank. I'm gonna go with the double tank on this. I tell ya, me flying up there 17,000 feet, having to stop for fuel, that would be... Inconvenient. You don't see james bond runnin' out of gas every half hour, which is probably how he gets all those women. For your hoses and your rocket nozzle, just use everything that comes in the barbecue. Your 3-2-1 ignition... You got the barbecue starter right there. For your vertical thrust, you got your burner control knobs. I guess... Come off with a wrench of some kind. You're gonna need a metal framework to hold the whole thing together. I would use this part of the unit. What you wanna do is form that together and strap 'er on your back. You could use seatbelts for that or heavy rope or if you wanted to be real safe... I recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Just relax -- take it easy. You don't have to be a rocket scientist. Just like that. You're ready to take your equipment and put it on. You got your fuel lines attached to your fuel tanks. They go up, attached in through your fuel regulators, and then on to your rocket nozzles. What you wanna do there is just hook them on... Hook them on the back of the... I feel like that guy that makes all james bond's equipment. What's his name? "q" -- yeah, and his letter's "q", too. I feel like "q". I look like "l". A little spy humour. Here we go. There I have my very own personalized james bond jet-pack. Now all I need is a flying helmet, or a crash helmet, as pessimists call it. For that, I'm gonna use this unit right here. Eh? Look at that. Doesn't that just scream "safety" and "secret agent" and "spying" and "danger"? Just pop that baby on. Eh? Perfect, isn't it? I'm the spy who came in from the coals. Now we just turn on our rocket power. Lost one of my knobs, there. Here we go. When I want to take off, I hit the ignition button. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I gotta fly! (explosion) (grunting) ahhh... I see why they have to keep gettin' new actors to play james bond. (coughing) stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got more. Want to talk to you guys about what you should tell your kids about life. In my day, fathers didn't talk that much to their kids. The only advice my dad gave me was, "don't slouch like that!" it wasn't much, but it meant a lot. (audience laughing) you know, I think now I kinda wish my dad had given me more advice. Not that the slouching thing wasn't really terrific, but maybe he could have taught me about career or money or marriage or women or relationships, something along that line. 'course, now it's too late 'cause dad has left us. He's gone to live in florida. (laughing) I was sittin' here, thinking, "what could I tell people to tell their youngsters?" something that would help them out. I think of the one thing, the one piece of advice, that would have saved me a lot of grief and time and money. I know what it is. Take care of your teeth. (audience laughing) yeah, friends come and go, families come and go, jobs come and go, but when you're built like I am, you'll use these babies five, six times a day. You fellas out there, take your youngsters aside, sit them down and say, "take care of your teeth." what the heck -- they're not gonna listen to you anyway. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (laughing and applause) harold, look at this. How many cards in a deck? Like, a normal deck? A normal deck of cards. It depends, 'cause in a euchre deck, there's less cards, right, than in a normal deck. Canasta, there's more cards than in a normal deck. That's weird, too, huh? "old maid", they're bizarre! They got, like, the seven of donkeys and the ace of dragons. I don't know what's going on there! Regular decks sometimes have two more cards. There's, like, an instruction card and a warranty card and a blank card. "it's a blank -- ahhhh!" fifty-two! Fifty-two cards. Regular deck, sure, 52, yeah. I counted the cards we played with. Comes to 94. Ninety-four?! That's a lot of extra jokers. Yeah, 18 extra. More or less, yeah. That's not counting these, harold. Whoa! Did the card table come like that? You came like that, so I guess anything's possible. Harold, here's something else. Stinky happened to be sitting on this side. Stinky happened to win the entire pot. It's more than a coincidence. Here's another clue, uncle red. These cards are stuck on with that weird gum stinky chews. No, that's his saliva. Whoa-ah-oh! Ohhhh! (siren) ohhh... Possum 9-1-1! State your name and membership number, please! It's buzz sherwood. Um, I lost my membership card but I got a card from the video store. All right, that's good enough. Where you callin' from? That's just it, red-man. I don't know where I am -- I'm lost. Are you in your car or in your plane? Let me check. Ohhh... Uh... Dingle balls... Ground's sort of close... That means he's in his plane. I'm in a car! He's in a car?! Wow! What do you see around there? Um... Oh! Trees and a hill. Is that familiar to you guys? It's hilly and tree-y. Are there any people around? I see a guy up ahead. He's fixing his mailbox. Oh, man, that's the one I hit earlier! I'm going around in circles, red. Buzz, keep calm, now. You'll have to go up to that guy and ask him for directions. Ask... For directions? How does that work, man? Don't panic, buzz, do not panic. We'll coach you through this. All right, listen, buzz. The directions will be too complicated to remember. Listen to the first few things he says and get an idea of the direction he's pointing in. Keep nodding your head until he says, "you can't miss it." then just say, "so I was right" and take off. (red): Here we are with "adventures with bill". I said we weren't going to go with the mechanized, but look what we got. Look at that thing. This is something you youngsters might be interested in. Bill started as a youngster, I believe he had the machano and the lego and the various other "o's". And now he's graduated up the ladder-- we'll not a ladder. It's a stick boom. What they find with that is, as in so many examples of life, you mechanize things and get a machine that can do the work of four or five men. I don't know who the men are in this case -- not right men. But you can pick the fruit not just from the underneath, but from the sides and also the top of the tree. Just grab that and... All right, all right, now, in the manual it says don't grab that lever too hard because it has a tendency to come out, and you're not going to do a lot of fruit-picking up in that area. Try over by the barn. Oh! Can you climb-- no he can't. There we go! Harold, there's no bottom in that. Oh boy, he's up there. Well, this is another example of machinery helping us through life. I guess it's the end of his shift. Got him, harold? Oh, lost him in the sun. Oh boy. Oh boy. Ow! Here's a stuffed cat from wtvp-47 in peoria. (audience laughing) (laughing) got too much starch in your shirt? Got the cheating problem all straightened out and I'm all set for the rematch with stinky. Just the two of us, eyeball to eyeball, winner take all. Aww, cool! Yeah, like brett maverick, frontier gambler, huh? Or paul newman in "the sting"? Remember? He played poker against robert shaw in the train. He was henry gondorf and he burped really loud. You know what you need? A good poker face. I don't have one. Bring it here and let me poke it for you. How are you gonna beat stinky? You been taking poker lessons? I don't need lessons. You do, because-- oh, man! You were gonna cheat! No, harold. He was gonna cheat! No, harold. It's no wonder my generation's so cynical. I hope you are very proud of yourself, young man. Gotta go, harold. You got cards in your pants! (audience laughing) looks like a straight flush. No, no, no, no, no. No, harold, no! Full house. (audience laughing) welcome to the expert portion of the show, where we examine those words that men find so difficult. (audience): "I don't know!" ok, joining my uncle red this week is his best friend in the whole room, local roofer arnie dogan! (howling) this week's letter goes as follows. "dear experts, I have a string of unsuccessful careers. "I was a urea formaldehyde salesman. "I invested my savings in pogs, "thinking they could only increase in value. "currently, I'm a travel agent for valujet. "is the whole world against me or what?" before the world's gonna be against you, you must meet more people. Just ask harold. Hey! (audience laughing) in my experience, the world is never against ya. In the roofing business, you only got three natural enemies -- wind, gravity, and wet shingles. How is the leg, mr. Dogan? They were gonna put a steel pin in, but I already got aluminum in there from when I landed on buster hadfield's t.V. Antenna. Ohhh. Nobody at dogan and sons roofing complains that the world's against us. When my dad dropped 60 feet onto that ford fairlane, he was just glad it was a convertible. The driver wasn't too thrilled about it. No. Neither was his widow. Yeah. It's a healthy attitude. You're taking responsibility for life. That's it, yeah. I wrote a song about that for my next c.D. You didn't have to! On the dogan label from dogan distributing. The album comes out when we get that roofing contract at the community centre. (clearing throat) goes like this... No, I've heard it. You haven't heard this one. This is a special new one. ♪ when you feel like a toad on the highway of life ♪ ♪ and everyone seems like a steel-belted radial ♪ ♪ when you're lyin' there squished ♪ ♪ in an assortment of body fluids ♪ ♪ hey, at least you left your mark ♪ (laughing and applause) thank you. (applause) well, I can't wait to see that video. Oooh! (harold singing quietly) (audience laughing) the good news is, whatever goes around, comes around. I won back everything I lost in the poker game. Shame, shame -- how about your honour? You lost that when you decided to cheat. I was fighting fire with fire. No, you were fighting fire with aces in your underwear. Shame, shame! You profited by deceit. I didn't profit, harold. I just broke even, plus a little bit. We got a new agreement on cheating. You can only bring five extra cards and you gotta use them in one hand. (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. Too bad you feel bad about cheating. I was gonna give you 10% of my winnings. That's all right, I understand. No, I'm frowning on it. I'm frowning -- this is a frown. 10% is very generous of you. Really? Yeah, so I don't want to be rude. Here you go. Enjoy. Toothpicks! Yeah, toothpicks, yeah. You're playing for toothpicks! I thought you played for money. You gotta have money to play for money. Toothpicks in your pocket's a real killer. Ooh, they're all used! Man, I was rollin'. I could have won stinky's matches, too, but he's got the wood stove. Didn't want him to freeze. You go ahead, harold. I'll see you later. Toothpicks! Don't spend them all on one mouth! If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home. If you hear I was cheating, it was during poker so don't think about things to do to a sleeping man with 12,000 toothpicks. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise! Up! Up and at 'em! (red): Ok. All right. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. I have a happy announcement for you. Old man sedgwick, who won the four cases of whiskey at christmas, is now up and around again. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!